


Tender touches and soft kisses

by angsty_otto



Category: The Selection Series - Kiera Cass
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Established Relationship, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Mild Language, Minor Violence, light/hints of homophobia, like four crude words
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:55:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24406159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angsty_otto/pseuds/angsty_otto
Summary: At first, Hale thought that getting together would be the toughest part, but reality made him doubt what he knew about his boyfriend and his assumed lack of affection.
Relationships: Hale Garner/Ean Cabel
Kudos: 12





	Tender touches and soft kisses

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, folks, how are you? I was surprised with the small amount of fics with Ean and Hale as the main couple, so I decided it was my job to write fluffy and cliché things about them. Most of my works for The Selection fandom will be about them because, well, Kiera said that that’s what we should do, right? Write a better and bigger world for them. So here it is. I wanted to start with something simple, just so I could get used with a writing style that would fit the characters.  
> “Tender touches and soft kisses” came from a prompt generator (https://prompts.neocities.org/) (because I love prompt generators), and I mixed and adapted two ideas: “Hale and Ean sharing soft kisses, lips barely touching, just chaste little things that leave both parties irrationally breathless” and “Hale and Ean haven’t kissed yet. Each time Hale sees Ean he thinks to himself ‘I’ve gotta do it this time’ but he keeps being too shy to do anything. One day a friend asks Hale if Ean has ever tried to kiss him and Hale just screams”.  
> Oh! And before I forget: Ean’s hair is black because every time I read the books I can only imagine him with black hair.

“ _Maybe I’m doing something wrong_ ”, Hale thought, “ _maybe I’m a terrible boyfriend_ ”. Not that he really believed in that, but things with Ean were going really slow: besides from hugging and, not so often, holding hands, there weren’t any expressive gesture that could tell apart their relationship from a friendship. At first, Ean seemed to happy with the thought of being a couple that Hale believed that they’d act like they were in a cliché movie. And, as always, reality was deceiving. Well, after spending years longing for Ean’s company, it was only right that Hale would build up the courage to act after they confessed. 

Ean and Hale met in elementary school, they were in the same class and, despite of Ean’s introspective personality, they became great friends. Hale was the kind of boy who could easily open up and was extremely sincere, and that was enough for Ean to disarm himself and start to trust his new colleague. Complicity became friendship, and soon the two felt comfortable spending time together: Hale didn’t feel like he was forcing Ean or putting him out of his comfort zone, and Ean felt he wouldn’t be judged or exploited during his vulnerable moments; after a while, nothing would make as much sense as becoming confidants, or supporting and building crazy dreams _together.  
Ov_er the years, however, Hale wished for dreams to come true — most of them were plans for the distant future, they had decided that they’d live together in a cold weather country and in a house that was big enough so that Hale could have a studio and Ean could have a private library — not necessarily because those were his life goals, but because he could keep Ean by his side and see him smile; Ean’s smile and laughter never failed to make Hale’s hearts beat faster, and he couldn’t help smiling too.

Their relationship changed, however, when they went to high school. Of course, new challenges appeared, such as feelings always on edge and a parallel society ruled by popularity. The strange and illogical hierarchy was not a shock to Hale — confident and extrovert, it was easy to avoid and not care about the nasty comments (and they were not often directed at _him_ ); moreover, he immediately became friends with Eadlyn and Ahren, the most popular students in their class (probably because they were the principal’s children), and with them came along Kile, Henri and Eikko. A good circle of friends, good grades and a strong personality ensured Hale a smooth environment transition. But for Ean… everything happened the other way around: being an introvert didn’t earn him any good points with the new class, and not even Hale’s friends seemed to be welcoming; he spent his free time in the library and spoke less than usual. Ean didn’t want to bottle up, let alone to Hale, but he had discovered feelings that shouldn’t be encouraged under any circumstances. 

Ean’s detachment was painful. Hale tried to keep contact, if only a little, in several ways:

“ _Do you want to be my partner, Ean?”  
“No.”_

“ _Do you want to be part of our group, Ean?”  
“No, thank you.”_

“Ean, do you want to go to the cinema?”  
“No, I have to study.”

“Ean, I was thinking: could you come over so we can— ”  
“I’m busy, Hale.”

And it was clear that Ean was too polite to just say he didn’t want to be friends for whatever reason - and it hurt because Hale didn’t know where he went wrong, he didn’t know what he had said to hurt him and didn’t feel that he could ask what had happened; Ean kept locking himself in his mind more and more, and Hale couldn’t hear his laugh, couldn’t see his shy smiles… it hurt because Hale knew he couldn’t shut up his heart, he knew he was seeing his dreams collapsing like sand castles carried away by the wind and the sea; childhood and pre-adolescence memories tasted bitter, and Hale didn’t know if he wanted to go back in time to change the cruel and miserable destiny, or if he wish he could forget all the good times, all the hugs, all the gentle touches, all the tender looks and all the feelings involved. 

He tried to overcome what never came to be, his friends were proof of that, but he was forced to see Ean on five of the seven days of the week, and each day he seemed to sink deeper. Actually, and each day _they_ seemed to sink deeper: Ean had questionable friendships (if the thing going on with Jack and Burke could be called friendship), and Hale still felt entitled to advise him. Eadlyn would say he was being overprotective, since Ean was old enough to make his decisions, and Ahren would put his arm around his shoulders to say that Hale’s loyalty was _praiseworthy_ , but Eadlyn was right. Hale wanted to believe in that, he really did, and he was grateful for Eikko, Henri and Kile were trying to occupy the hole that Ean had left in his life, but no one, not even in a million years, would compare to Ean: Eikko could be shy and introspective, but he didn’t have the same shine in his eyes when he read poetry; Henri had a charming smile and was sensitive, but there was nothing to arouse Hale’s curiosity; Kile made sarcastic comments, but they were only funny in Ean’s voice. In the end, Hale knew he would never recover because he didn’t miss Ean because of some personality traits, he missed Ean because he was in love.

Hale has repeatedly denied the truth. Over and over and over and _over_ again. But one day he had to accept that he was hopelessly in love with Ean: he had memorized every detail of his face, he’d know how to map all the spots on his cheeks, he could tell where the skin around his eyes would wrinkle when he laughed — with such joy he would look like a carefree child; he knew his lips — always pink — would pout when he was having trouble finding rhymes and words that expressed what he was feeling; his ears would turn red when he was praised by one of the teachers, and he would be so embarrassed that he’d try to disappear; he knew that when they were together and in silence, Ean would run his hands through his black hair and put some locks behind his ears so that they could look each other in the eye without hindrance — and Hale loved the feeling of being able to look at Ean’s eyes and knowing that he was allowed to understand his feelings. And he knew that in the end of the day, they could sit in the library couch to talk, and Ean’s voice would sound more serious than the normal and sweeter than the normal and kinder than the normal — if Hale was lucky, Ean would let him lay his head on his lap and would play with his hair slowly, as if they were a couple.

Hale believed that if he had accepted his feelings earlier, he could have saved their relationship, but then he stopped to reflect and wondered if those same feelings were responsible for Ean’s departure. 

Ean had been away for six months for the _greater good_ , but he was beginning to realize that it wasn’t doing him any good. He missed Hale _very much_. At first, Ean swore to himself that that was the right choice and that soon his stupid heart would overcome that teenage and idiot crush. But the truth was, after weeks of trying to bury his love, Ean was still as in love as before — and how couldn’t he be? Hale was like an angel, only the sound of his voice could brighten his mornings, he was the inspiration of his poetry, the muse of his works of art, and _that_ was the problem. His love was unrequited and Ean would rather be the first to walk away: the pain wouldn’t last long if he was responsible for his broken heart. And the problem with that plan was Ean’s _stupidity_ , because in an environment where he was seen as the _weirdo_ , there would be no way to survive alone.

He was co-opted by Jack and Burke, two of the “problem students”, and tried not to complain. At least by walking with them he wouldn’t have to worry about ignoring Hale’s pitiful and pleading eyes. Then Ean could be silent in the hours he spent doing their essays alone, he listened in silence the unfounded comments about his poetry and endured all the jokes — he learned how to use sarcasm and indifference as a shield, then he could answer mean comments with ironic remarks and a bored facial expression. It was too easy. 

Until it stopped being easy.

Ean needed to clear his head up, so he stayed later in the literature classroom, sitting in the last chair in the last row. He opened his notebook and started to pour his feelings on the yellow pages, the pen moved quickly, as if this time there was no need to think of the correct words. Everything seemed to come naturally, sadness, distress, torment, anger and affection. There were a lot of Ean and a lot of Hale on that sheet, so Ean was desperate when someone abruptly took his notebook. He hadn’t heard footsteps, hadn’t felt the presence of anyone and he had checked the surroundings to make sure no one was using the rooms in that corridor. Ean heard a snicker and raised his head. Jack was there, holding his heart in his hands. Jack smiled as if he knew everything Ean struggled to hide, and when he started walking, moving further and further away, Ean’s first instinct was to get up to take his heart back, but the look he received told him everything. One misstep and he would be damned. 

“ _The exaggeration of disbelief, the superstition of your affections,”_ Jack began to read aloud (and Ean knew it wasn’t the time to worry about it, but Jack was ignoring the correct rhythm to have a proper reading). “ _The fear of being seen as person and the existence of an emptiness in your chest ”,_ and Jack almost laughed; “ _With the fear of the eternal and the affliction of death — a shot in your heart and the excitement of your senses_ ”, the words did not harmonize with Jack’s voice. Ean wrote them with sense and delicacy, Jack pronounced them as if they were just meaningless sounds. “ _As a hyper sensitivity to everything that exists”,_ and this time he really laughed, and Ean felt like someone was tearing his soul apart. “ _And the ache of this body and labyrinths of this mind, hopelessness in the future and anxiety brought on by tomorrow — which is always your next breath, every blink of an eye_ ”. Ean didn’t know if the sound of his breathing was noticeable; “ _Indifference to others caused by selfishness, unsuccessful success and incomplete identification. Pieces of a puzzle — and you know that one is missing, or maybe a thousand”._ A mocking smile, and Ean knew he was really damned. “ _Maybe, in the end (if there is an end), fulfillment is what makes you look in the mirror and cry in despair_ ”. Jack abruptly closed the notebook and tossed it on the floor, as if daring Ean to pick it up.

— Why did you do that? — He tried to keep his voice steady, but he knew his face was betraying him.

— To be sure. — He put his hands in his pockets and tilted his head menacingly.

— Sure of what? — Ean thought it was safe to walk slowly to the front of the room and pick up his notebook. If he looked calm, maybe Jack would believe it meant nothing. — That I can write a good text if we have a group work in the literature class? — Ean felt his body being pushed hard, he lost his balance and, had it not been for the desk at his side, he would have fallen hard on the floor. His heart was beating fast, his brain was still trying to process what had happened, and the adrenaline running through his body prevented him from feeling pain. Jack moved closer than what Ean would consider appropriate, his stance was aggressive.

— I would be careful if I were you, Ean. — And he left the room as suddenly as he arrived. Ean was fighting tears. He hadn’t cried in times of greatest suffering, he wouldn’t cry in that situation, and he _definitely_ wouldn’t cry because of an idiot like Jack. He tried to control his unsteady breathing, sat on the floor and hugged his legs, hiding his head between his knees. He wouldn’t cry. Jack was just an idiot, and his reaction would not be everyone’s reaction. And Ean worried about that because he knew everyone would find out. 

Due to fate, Hale had also decided to stay at school until later; he was walking down the empty hall just as Jack left the literature room with an expression of contempt on his face. Looking closely, it was possible to see a contorted figure lying on the floor. And looking even more closely, Hale realized that it was Ean who was there. His first thought was “ _it’s no longer your business, go away_ ”, but his soft heart told him to see how he was. Hale walked slowly and knocked on the door just so he wouldn’t startle him, but it backfired when Ean practically jumped in fright: he raised his head quickly and his eyes were wide open, and Hale didn’t remember the last time he saw Ean so scared. Ean composed himself in a few seconds and his face became a frown. 

— Go away, Hale, there’s nothing to see here. — He murmured.

— What happened? — Hale tried to approach him. That initial reaction… it wasn’t characteristic of Ean, something was very wrong. — Did you and Jack fight?

— It’s none of your business, Hale. — He tried to get up, but his body protested a little. Ean prayed that the falling had left no mark. 

— Are you hurt? — Hale noticed the position of the chair and the Ean’s position. Jack shoved him? Had Ean stumbled?

— Fuck, Hale, I told you it’s none of your business. Leave me alone. — He stuck his fingers in his hair and held on to not pull the strands. That didn’t make Hale move a muscle to go, though; he knew Ean, and he only cursed when extremely upset. Acting as if they were still friends, Hale sat beside him and pulled him into a hug.

He had forgotten how it felt to have Ean in his arms. As much as they weren’t exactly comfortable, Hale liked to feel Ean’s tension slowly melting away. And liked even more that he was able to hold him, even for a short time and even just once more; Hale moved his fingers gently on Ean’s arms, then on his back, and then on the thick locks of hair — he remembered that Ean liked this sequence of touches, and the softer the better; when one of them was sad or angry, a hug could (start to) solve everything, and sometimes they had the luck to hear each other’s heartbeat, to feel their breathing calming until it looked like they were going to sleep, but they didn’t dare close their eyes. If they slept they would lose track of being together. Ean would be lying if he said he didn’t think about being held by Hale every day — holding each other for no more than two minutes was enough for part of his worry to disappear (and although it intensified his feelings, it wasn’t bad). Ean wished that he could go back to what they were before so that he’d _finally_ feel good about himself, but he was afraid of being rejected. What if Hale was as rough as Jack?

— I don’t know what I did to make you hate me, Ean, really. But if you need me, I still… I still care. — Hale didn’t want to ruin the peaceful moment, but some words need to be said regardless of the situation.

— I don’t hate you, Hale. — His words didn’t reflect his actions, but Hale would only understand if Ean explained. And considering past events, he would have known anyway. — It’s quite the opposite, actually…

— Then why did you walk away? — Hale’s voice carried so much heartache that Ean found it impossible not to recoil a little—- Why did you shut me? _Why_ , Ean? What did I do wrong? I don’t want you to act against your heart, so if I did something to hurt you, can I know what it was? That’s it… that’s the only thing I want to know, Ean.

— It’s not what you did, Hale. It’s what _I_ did, and there’s no solution. — He moved away from Hale’s arms.

— But you didn’t do anything to me! In all these years, Ean, you were the best friend that I could dream of having. If I implied that some of your actions hurt me, know that it was not my intention.

— That’s not the problem, Hale. — He lowered his head and took a deep breath. — I love you. As in: _I love you, I’m in love with you. —_ Hale blinked in disbelief. All this time … all this time apart from each other for nothing! If Ean was looking, he would see a charming smile from ear to ear on Hale’s face.

— You’re an idiot, Ean. —He laughed and pulled his friend into another hug. — _I love you too_.

— Is that some kind of joke? — Despite the question, Ean put his arms around Hale and held on tightly.

— No, it isn’t! I love you, Ean. — Ean still kept his promise of not crying, but tears threatened to fall, his heart seemed to cheer up and he smiled as he had not smiled in a long time. Ean was happy for the first time in six months. He closed his eyes and laid his head on Hale’s shoulder, breathing in the smell of the strong perfume Hale insisted on spraying on every millimetre of fabric. - I love you very much.

After the confession, Hale hoped to receive an answer about what had happened, but Ean seemed to need his hugs — and Hale was so starved of Ean that he didn’t care to ignore it.

But it quickly became a mess.

With the new relationship, Ean started to mingle with Hale’s friends, and even though he had to get out of his comfort zone, Hale was there at his side, so it wasn’t _too_ bad. Ean sat down next to Hale again, ignoring Jack and Burke, and looked more excited; he smiled more often and didn’t shut people out as much as before, but when Hale tried to get closer — whether to hug him in the hallway or to kiss his cheek — Ean withdrew and looked around as if he was a criminal. At first, Hale believed to be the result of Ean’s personality — he was never a fan of public displays of affection. But Hale ended up noticing that he was acting so everywhere, even when they were alone. If Hale tried to hold his hand when they walked down the street, Ean moved away smoothly — as if Hale wouldn’t notice — and he’d cross his arms or put his hands in his pockets; when they were saying goodbye, Hale would get _at most_ a quick hug; when they were alone in their bedroom, Hale would to kiss his forehead, but Ean would dodge and hold his hand, as if holding hands was the limit of intimacy between the two.

Hale couldn’t help being surprised, since they were never so inhibited, but despite a certain concern, there was nothing to do but respect the barriers imposed by Ean. There was a reason for that — Ean was probably trying to get used to the idea of being boyfriends. Not that it stopped Hale from becoming frustrated. After years of hiding his feelings — after both of them spent years hiding their feelings — Hale wanted more than a hug and a handshake, and frustration gave voice to ridiculous thoughts: what if Ean regretted everything, but didn’t want to lose Hale’s friendship again? What if Hale was, in fact, a bad boyfriend? What if he was getting it all wrong and missing Ean’s cues? What if Ean was hiding some secret? Hale usually sighed after thinking about fifteen different scenarios where Ean broke up with him. 

∞

Hale was lying on the library couch pretending to read a book, Ahren was sitting on the floor drawing, Kile and Henri played chess while Eadlyn and Eikko discussed topics for an article. They had decided to meet at the library to waste time because half of the group had work to do. The plan was to meet after classes, finish the projects and then discuss some book. The only person missing was Ean. Hale knew he would need time to get used to so many people, but it wasn’t like him to be late — he was the type of person who arrived _at least_ thirty minutes before everyone else. Hale checked his watch for the tenth time in five minutes. _Fifty minutes late_. He heard a snicker and took his eyes off the clock hands.

— What’s so funny?

— You. Looking at the clock every thirty seconds won’t make him come any faster. — Kile seemed to be enjoying the situation. — He must only be tidying up.

— You don’t know him like I do. When I say that Ean is never late, it’s because he is never late. Ever. 

— They say there’s a first time for everything, right? — Ahren replied and pursed his lips so he wouldn’t get carried away by Kile’s laughter.

— I don’t know why we’re so anxious for Ean to arrive, - Eadlyn started - y’all know we’re going to be the third wheel, don’t you?

— Just like we’re fifth wheel for you and Eikko? — Henri raised an eyebrow as if he was willing to duel Eadlyn. She rolled her eyes and smiled. Hale couldn’t help but scoff. 

— As if he wanted anyone to see us together… — Hale tried to make a self-deprecating comment, but it fell flat. The silence that followed his sentence was too long, as if they were looking for an appropriate answer, anything that wouldn’t hurt Hale’s feelings.

— And do you want us to believe that you don’t make out all afternoon? Have you seen how he looks at you? — Kile was the only one brave enough to speak, but as soon as Hale replied, he wished he had stayed quiet.

— He doesn’t care! It’s like I’m not his boyfriend! - Hale spoke louder than what was allowed inside the library. — The last time he looked at me, it must have been to confirm that he doesn’t want me. — Hale didn’t want to react that way, but he was already at its limit. — Last week I tried to hold his hand, and what did he do? He crossed his arms! Thursday: we were walking down the hall and I tried to put my arm around his shoulders. Guess what? I wouldn’t be surprised if he ran away from me! And I guarantee you, the last thing he wants to do is kiss me.

— He didn’t kiss you? Like, _ever._..? - Eikko’s voice was almost a whisper

— Not even a kiss on the cheek. Not even a good night kiss. _Nothing_! - Hale had teary eyes and he knew his face was red with anger and shame. — It’s like he’s, I don’t know…disgusted with me?

— Ean’s an introvert, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. — Henri had risen from his and now sat next to Ahren; he put his left hand on Hale’s arm to comfort him. — He may need more time to—

— To decide when will be the best time to break up with me! We’ve been dating for two months and he runs away from me like the devil runs away from the cross! I don’t think his personality is a problem, I respect his time, I just don’t want him to postpone the inevitable. 

— Hale, he said he loves you. And he is _shy!_ — Eikko replied. — You know him better than anyone else: do you think he would hide something so important?

— I don’t know if you remember, _dear friend,_ but he stopped talking to me for six months because he couldn’t tell me he was in love. — Hale was annoyed. He looked at Eikko as if he had said the stupidest thing in the world.

— And you, during those six months, also did not speak to him. — Eadlyn completed. — So what’s your point? — Kile sighed and covered his face with his hands, as if Eadlyn had said the one thing that’d really hurt. — You know I’m right, Kile.

— I don’t know anything…

— You’re right, Eadlyn. I was wrong to let him go, but I don’t want to lose him again. I couldn’t take it. And I—

— Sorry for being late, I had an unforeseen event! — Ean practically entered the library running and he was hiding his face behind a book. It was pure luck that he didn’t trip. The Ean’s strange behavior (and the fact that he was the subject of the conversation) made everyone silent and they followed him with their eyes; he sat at a table under the stairs that gave access to the second floor, then lowered his head and continued reading despite the bad lighting. — I have to finish reading this chapter, I’ll join you in a minute.

Eadlyn, Kile, Ahren, Henri and Eikko looked at Hale with a confused look, as if agreeing with the idea that Ean was looking for the right time to dispense his boyfriend, but at the same time they were concerned about the strange behavior. Hale got up and walked slowly over to Ean’s table, trying to analyze his face, but Ean’s hair covered the part that would be visible. Hale sat at the table and drummed his fingers on the wood to get attention, but Ean seemed amused by the book, and if it weren’t for his shuddering shoulders, Hale wouldn’t have meddled any more.

— Ean, are you okay? — He didn’t receive an answer, so he looked at his friends as if asking for help. Soon, they were gathered around Ean. — Why are you acting like this?

— I’m acting like I always do. — Ean propped his elbow on the table and put his hand on his forehead. He needed to remain calm in order to be left alone.

— Ean… — Hale tried again, but Ean didn’t look up. Hale could feel his discomfort, but there was nothing he could do if Ean didn’t speak — what happened?

— Nothing happened, Hale. I really need to finish this chapter, if you don’t mind. — He spoke faster than usual and his voice was low. He felt the presence of all those strangers around, well… not _strangers_ , but people who had no right to see him in his vulnerable moments. If they left, maybe… Hale could know, but only if they were alone. Hale rolled his eyes and closed the book.

— Ean, I _know_ you’re not okay. - He reached out to touch his face, but Ean recoiled like he was scared. — _Ean_ …? — Hale looked around for support, but they all looked as shocked as him. He bent down a little to meet his boyfriend’s eyes and just the sight made his heart stop for a millisecond. — _What_ happened to you? — His voice was firm and he had lost some of his patience. He put his hand on Ean’s right shoulder, but the sound of pain that left his lips made Hale pull away immediately.

— I fell. — Ean lifted his head and tried to look him in the eye just to sell the lie. He couldn’t ignore the surprised sighs of Hale’s friends when they saw that his lip was slightly cut and swollen. — I tripped while reading and ended up getting hurt. It was just that.

— You forget that I’ve known you practically forever. — Ean tried to look away because he knew that Hale would see through his soul. — Why are you lying to me, Ean? — Ean promised he wouldn’t cry, and he definitely wouldn’t cry because of an idiot, but the Hale’s eyes were so concerned, and the others seemed to care so much… shedding tears was inevitable .He covered his face with his hands and tried to shrink himself until he was invisible, until the sensation of having inhuman hands holding his arms disappeared and the only thing left was emptiness. 

— I’m sorry, Hale… — Ean’s body shook violently and he sobbed wildly — I can’t take it anymore… — Eikko hurried to get a glass of water — I can’t take it anymore… — the words were slurred and Hale barely understood them — I swear that I tried to protect myself, I _swear_! — Hale was baffled. That was the only possible word. “ _I swear that I tried to protect myself ”. —_ He said I should be careful, but...!

— _He_ said?

— But today he… — Eikko had returned, but Ean’s hands were too shaky to hold the glass, so they just waited for him to stop crying. Hale wanted to be able to hold him and say that everything would be fine, but Ean wouldn’t like to be touched. Hale’s should look as devastated as his heart, because Eadlyn held his hand, and they all seemed to want to comfort him, but no one knew how. Hale couldn’t blame them. After twenty minutes, Ean’s body began to shake slightly and the sobs stopped. His face was swollen, eyes reddened, and Hale had never seen so much pain before. — I don’t know why he did that… — Ean spoke softly, as if it was a secret.

— Who did what, Ean? — Hale didn’t want to put any more pressure, but he was desperate.

— Jack. — He looked away, as if he was ashamed to speak that name. — He said that I should be careful, and I swear I was, Hale, I _swear_ , but… — he sighed — he found me today… in the literature room. — Hale took a deep breath and closed his eyes. — I was quiet, I didn’t provoke, I didn’t say anything, and even then he shoved me, punched me, said that I had run out of luck, and left. I was late because I was trying to fix my face, but I didn’t want to run into him in the halls.

— When did he ask you to be careful? — Hale’s voice was calm despite the storm within him. Hale didn’t need Ean’s answer, but still wanted to be sure.

— You know, Hale…— Ean said after a few minutes of hesitation. He felt those eyes piercing his spirit and he just wanted it to end.

— Ean, you need to talk to my dad. — Ahren intervened. — He threatened you, that’s inadmissible!

— No, Ahren, I just want to move on and forget about it.

— But if we don’t do anything, Jack will remain a dick. — Kile continued. — You just had a breakdown, Ean, and yet expect us to pretend it didn’t happen?

— I wouldn’t say that I had a _breakdown_ but…

— You definitely had a breakdown. — Henri interrupted. — And we certainly need to talk to the director.

— My father will understand the situation, if that’s what worries you…

— That’s not it, Eadlyn… what will become of me if _he_ finds out?! — His voice sounded so raw and desperate that all the answers seemed to vanish.

— I don’t want to force you into anything, — she continued — but if we keep quiet, we won’t change a thing. You don’t have to go alone: Ahren and I can accompany you, and Hale will definitely be on your side. — Ean nodded.

— I think we can do that… later. If you don’t mind, I want to be alone with Hale… — the rest of them nodded and left in silence. Ean didn’t know how to continue or how to act, but Hale stepped forward:

— Can I hold your hand? — Ean felt pathetic for making Hale think he should ask for permission to touch him. He answered with a simple "yes” and held out his hand. Hale had come down from the table and was now kneeling beside him; he held his hand tenderly and intertwined their fingers.

— Why didn’t you tell me?

— I was ashamed… and I didn’t want you to think of me as a burden. However, I think I just ended up pushing you away, right? — His eyes carried all the guilt in the world. — I know I should’ve spoken before, but—

— You will never be a burden, Ean, and I should’ve paid more attention to you. I should’ve seen the signs. — They were silent for a few minutes. Ean wanted to say it wasn’t Hale’s fault, that he had no way of knowing, but after reflecting a little more, he realized it wasn’t his fault either, so it wouldn’t make sense to ask for forgiveness. Hale’s knees started to hurt, so he got up and led Ean to the couch. — Did he hurt you the first time?

— No. He read one of my poems and pushed me. He left me alone until today, I don’t know what changed, but… — Ean was pulled gently by Hale, who wrapped his arms around him. Ean’s head was resting on Hale’s chest and he could hear his heartbeat; he closed his eyes and ran his fingers down Hale’s back; Ean wished he had the peace of mind to be affectionate with his boyfriend, he could have used all the moments of intimacy to explore feelings repressed for so long; could’ve taken advantage of these gentle touches: Hale played with a few strands of his hair, the movement of his fingers delicate enough that Ean felt calm; one hand held him tightly, as if Hale feared that Ean could fall apart; Ean laid his head on Hale’s right shoulder and rested one arm on the opposite shoulder, satisfied with the proximity. He felt a soft kiss on his forehead, as if it were a risky act, and then smiled wistfully. Some tears insisted on falling, but Hale treated to wipe them with his left thumb. And that gesture, so simple, so banal, meant the world for Ean.

— I love you, Hale. — His voice was just a whisper, but Hale could hear adoration and devotion, he could see the affection of years of friendship and companionship, the desire for a future in which they were _together_ ; it was the voice of the lonely and shy boy that stuttered to talk, it was the voice of the friend who confided all his secrets to him, it was the voice of a lover hopelessly in love, the voice of a boy who longed to be known and stripped down to the core of his being, it was the voice of Ean, his soulmate, who told him _I love you_ to synthesize all the years that had gone by trying to suppress the most beautiful of feelings; Ean, who said _I love you_ so that Hale knew that everything would be fine as long as they were _together._ _I love you_ was all that Hale needed to listen so that his doubts would disappear and he would feel complete.

— I love you too, Ean.

∞

When Eadlyn said he wouldn’t be alone when talking to the director, Ean imagined that he would be accompanied by Hale and Eadlyn. He didn’t expect to have the support of Hale and Eadlyn _and_ Ahren _and_ Kile _and_ Henri _and_ Eikko. He wasn’t complaining — far from it — but the presence of so many people made him even more nervous; he swayed his legs incessantly and gnawed his nails in a vain attempt not to die of anxiety. The director’s look was one of confusion and curiosity, and Ean was grateful that Eadlyn and Ahren hadn’t told him before, although a part of him hoped that the director already knew why, because words seemed to escape and he couldn’t put together a coherent sentence. Hale took his hand, as if he could share some courage, but Eadlyn stepped forward.

— We have a complaint about Jack. — Ean fought his instinct to back out.

— Is it correct to conclude that the complaint has to do with Ean’s appearance? — The cut was healing already, but it looked like a grotesque line compared to the rest of his features. Or maybe the director was talking about the expression of fear on his face (which made the most sense). Ean nodded in agreement. — What happened? — Ean didn’t want to have to tell, but nobody could do that for him. Avoiding the worried eyes of the director, he told the story with all the details.

—… but my fear, sir, is that he will find out and it’ll get worse.

— You don’t have to be afraid, Ean, we will do everything to solve the problem, and I guarantee it will never happen again. Suspension, — he looked at Eadlyn as if he knew that she’d ask — and then we’ll have a meeting with your parents.

— But…! — Ean didn’t know if he was ready for his parents to find out what happened.

— I understand that it is difficult for you, Ean, but I cannot hide it from them. You don’t have to be there if you don’t want to.  
— I don’t…, and maybe… I think talking to our parents is reasonable.

— If you need anything else, I’m always here. - The director’s eyes seemed sincere, and Hale shook his hand as if to say that everything would be fine, then Ean relaxed.

— Thank you, sir. — He turned to face his _friends._ — Thank you very much.

∞

Ean was lying next to Hale, his head resting on his right arm. His parents were on the meeting, and Hale thought it best to spend the afternoon with his boyfriend so he wouldn’t feel alone. The mood in Ean’s room was light, the silence cozy. Hale couldn’t hide his smile: there wasn’t any feeling of mistrust between them, it didn’t look like Ean was waiting for the right moment to go and it didn’t look like Hale was forcing him to show his feelings. Everything happened naturally. The fingers were intertwined because that was how they should be, their bodies were close together because they couldn’t endure the cold distance of a few centimetres; Ean had a new expression, his eyes were full of tenderness, his ears and cheeks were reddish and he looked happy; it was like going back to the time when everything was simple and perfect. Hale, comfortable enough to be sappy, took Ean’s hand to his lips and kissed his fingers; he laid on his side so that he was face to face with Ean, and it didn’t matter that his arm was going numb because Ean was smiling.

Ean used his free hand to outline the contours of Hale’s face: he started running his thumb by the expression marks on his forehead, going down to his right temple, then sliding his finger across the cheekbone, the nasal dorsum, tracing an invisible diagonal to his jaw, then he made a circular movement on his chin and stopped his finger under Hale’s lips. Ean felt the fingers of Hale’s right hand caress the back of his neck and slowly rise until they are holding some strands of hair; then Hale came a little closer and kissed his forehead, then his temples, the lower part of his eyebrows, his cheekbones, the spots on his cheek. the tip of his nose and finally, looking him in the eye to ask for permission, Hale kissed his lips. Nothing more than a soft and chaste touch. And yet it was enough for Hale to lose his breath and Ean to grin from ear to ear. Hale kissed him a second time, and a third and a fourth, the same candid kisses, and he seemed to be more and more out of breath; Ean had put his arms around his neck, foreheads and the tips of their noses touched, their breaths were choppy and they both smiled; Hale took one of Ean’s hands and placed it on his chest so that he could follow the throb of his heart, and put his hand on Ean’s chest to do the same thing. They didn’t dare to close their eyes because they would lose sight of the bright, flushed faces.

The light from the setting sun came through the cracks in the curtain and made the bodies look as if they were surrounded by a mystical aura, and Hale looked so bewitched that Ean started to laugh — a laughter so amusing that it resembled a carefree child — and the skin around the eyes wrinkled, just like Hale knew it was going to happen. At that moment, all the dreams that they built together seemed very little compared to reality. Yes, Hale still wanted to have a future with Ean, but the present was better than idealizations.

— I love you. 

Ean felt a tightness in his chest because of the seriousness in Hale’s voice. Ean kissed him one more time and whispered “ _I know_ ”. There was nothing more besides the two of them, overcome by the euphoria of living and experiencing the first love, that one that made the world go out of focus and elevated all  
emotions to the thousandth power; that made them feel they were invincible and endless; that kind of love that, even immeasurable, fit in small gestures and small words, and it was usually best said by silence. Ean knew he could count on Hale in any situation, and even if the days were cloudy, the nights were cold and life brought new obstacles, everything would be fine as long as they were _together._


End file.
